Talking About Death: How To Answer Your Child's Questions

Death is a certainty in life. Yet we try to protect our children from the awareness of death, perhaps because of our own fears. We have a natural desire to be an expert and feel we know all the answers, but, in regard to death, we do not know all the answers. There is no magic answer to relieve the pain of learning about death. It is important to be supportive as both you and your child struggle to understand death. We must remember that children do not think as adults do. Adults often have difficulty finding the words that children understand.

There are some significant factors to consider:
Experience- by age 6 most children have some concept of death.
Intellectual capacity- closely related to mental age. Children must eventually understand:
1) What death is
2) There are many causes of death
3) The change from life to death is irreversible
4) Death is universal
5) My death will take place in the future


Research shows:
1) By age 18 months: children have a concept of death (i.e.: body doesn't move), however, they don't understand irreversibility. They think the dead can come back to life simply because they want it to be so.
2) By age 3: realization of death. Most children have encountered death (nature, pets, relatives, in play) by this age.
3) By age 5: concept of separation (most painful aspect of death for children and adults) and immobility (some children confuse sleep with death because of immobility).
4) By age 6: great leap in ability to understand death - child is not as egocentric, and can reason more logically. Children begin to understand irreversibility.
5) By ages 5-6: children understand causality: that people die due to causes. Before that they believe that death can be caused by wishing it.
6) By ages 6-7: beginning to understand universality, but hard to accept.
7) By ages 6-12: discrepancy between the beliefs of deaths of other people and their own death. Younger children believe that certain classes of people (parents, peers) do not die, or they see their own death as only happening very far in the future.
8) Adolescents: are so aware of death that they act as if they are immortal. Because they are so aware they must prove it isn't so.

Suggestions to consider:

1) A relationship built on open, honest communication makes it O.K. to make mistakes during your talk, because you can easily clear up any misunderstandings.
2) Listen: give full attention to what your child is saying and what he/she means. It is not always easy to figure out what a child is trying to ask in regard to death-read between the lines.
3) Don't force your child to talk about death at a particular time. Assure him/her that you are there when he/she is ready. Children need time to distance themselves and deny at times.
4) It is not always necessary to clear up all of your child's misconceptions. Consider the age and emotional state. Use your own judgement.

Swimming in a Sea of Educational Terms

Are you drowning in a sea of educational terms? When you read your child’s IEP, do you know what promotional mods really mean? Let’s take a look at some familiar educational terms that you may encounter in reviewing your child’s IEP, and keep your head above water!

Annual Review - This is the yearly review of the IEP. Generally, minor changes are made during this review, such as updating goals and adjusting related services, such as speech.

Triennial - Every three years, students with IEP’s are re-evaluated. This means that he or she will have new psychological testing, as well as any testing that related service providers do. This leads me to…

Related Services - These are the service providers who are available to help your child throughout the school day. It can consist of pull-out programs or push-in (where the service provider comes into the classroom for one to one assistance) programs. Related services can include speech and language therapy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, and/or counseling.

Mandated Services are those that are put officially on the IEP, so that your child must receive those services. At Risk refers to those services not officially on the IEP, but that your child may receive on a temporary basis with a “wait and see” attitude.

Testing Modifications - These are the modifications that your child can receive when taking standardized tests. There are many modifications that can be applied, but some of the more popular ones include having extended time to complete the exam, taking the test in a small group setting, and allowing the student to record his or her answers directly in the test booklet instead of using a bubble sheet. These modifications will not affect the score of the test, but may be important in giving your child the best possible environment for test taking.

Promotional Modifications - These are the modifications made that will allow children with disabilities to be promoted to the next grade even if they do not pass the standardized tests. Usually it is given in the form of a percentage. For example, instead of having to meet 100% of the math standards for a particular grade, your child may only have to meet 80% or 50% of the standards, depending on the type of class your child is in. Promotion also is dependent upon teacher observation, attendance, and successful participation in classroom activities.

I hope this sheds some light on some of these educational terms that can be confusing to someone just entering into special education territory. Remember, too, that your child’s teacher is more than happy to explain or clarify anything to you. He or she can be a great resource in assisting you in staying afloat among the seemingly endless sea of specialized language that appears in the educational realm!

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The ABC's of Psychiatric Acronyms

ADHD, ODD, IEP, ??? Sitting in a meeting with educators and/ or mental health professionals can be intimidating, particularly when they are speaking about your child. How about when the acronyms are flying out of everyone's mouths, and everyone seems to understand this new language except you? The DSM-IV is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders put out by the American Psychiatric Association. It contains the standard classifications of mental disorders that is used for diagnosis by mental health clinicians. Acronyms are often used as a shortcut language and is very common among clinicians today. Unfortunately it is so common that the professionals often forget that the "lay person", namely the parent, does not necessarily know what the acronyms stand for. I facilitate a parent group where many of the children have a diagnosis. It is amazing how even the parents in this group speak in acronyms. Everyone seems to understand each other, however, on occasion, another parent will interrupt and ask what a particular acronym stands for and means. I feel it is important to publish some of the common acronyms used today and a brief definition, according to the DSM-IV, of each. ADHD-Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: clinical features include the following: difficulty sustaining attention, often does not seem to listen, easily distracted frequently interrupts, talks excessively, difficulty following directions, fidgets in seat. AS-Aspergers Syndrome: severe and sustained impairment in social interaction, and the development of repetitive, restricted patterns of interests, activities and behaviors. IEP-Individualized Education Plan- a plan devised to meet the specific and unique educational needs of one child. IQ- Intelligence Quotient: general intellectual functioning as assessed with one or more standardized intelligence tests (such as Weschler Intelligence Scale for Children-Revised, Stanford-Binet, Kaufman Assessment Battery for Children). LD- Learning Disability: achievement on individualized standardized tests in mathematics, reading or written expression is significantly below what is expected in relation to age, schooling and intelligence level. MR- Mental Retardation : significantly subaverage intellectual functioning., with marked limitations in various areas of adaptive behavior as well. IQ is defined as 69 or below. OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: recurrent obsessions or compulsions that are time consuming or cause significant impairment. Obsessions are recurring thoughts, images or impulses, (ie: hand washing) that cause anxiety or stress. Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or mental acts (counting, repeating words silently) which occur in an attempt to reduce anxiety or stress. ODD- Oppositional Defiant Disorder: defiant and negative behaviors such as being persistently stubborn, unwilling to compromise, deliberately tests limits, argumentative, verbal aggression, lasting about six months, without serious violation of the basic rights of others. PDD Pervasive Developmental Disorder: this category is used when there is significant impairment in the development of social skills, or verbal and nonverbal communication skills, or when there are stereotyped behavior, interest and activities. (also known as Autism Spectrum Disorder).